09 September 2011
Extreme @ 6:50 PM
In my mid-teens, I fell in love with the word extremist
. I wrote it all over my Myspace page, defined it, branded myself with it, clung to it. That word defined why I was so crazy and ridiculous and out of whack. That word was the justification.
Now, I am plagued with extremes. I try so desperately to balance. I try to stay quiet yet sociable, mysterious yet approachable, distant yet present, all the while holding all my cards, never showing. I find myself in a sticky predicament that I hadn't planned for. Always, do I plan for the worst. I am ready at a moment's notice to take loss with grace and negativity with pacifism, but currently, I am stuck.
I find myself unable to balance between the distant, interestingly mysterious and quirky Amelia I like the best, and the clingy, loving Amelia that I hate the most. I always consider myself a being of jest, a person of the moment, someone who is not a long-term situation. I always seem to do best when I am uncomfortable and alone, taking solace in whatever misfortune arises to comfort me.
Yet all of that seems ridiculous, as I look at it from the outside. Here I am, comfortable with another person. Here I am trusting and enjoying and moving forward, or so it seems, with this person, this boy; this boy that, like every other boy, was 'nothing serious'. While I hesitate to say if there is much seriousness here, but in my heart, it's growing, and it scares me.
Right now, all I can wish for is balance, for I what my instability will curse upon me.