27 June 2011
Kind of pathetic @ 7:09 AM
I go through these spurts of personality where I am really interested in certain aspects of my life and then other times when I'm not interested in those things at all.
I read over my last few blog posts and am disappointed in myself. I seem so pathetic.
But I can beat myself down over growing and changing.
Being in Germany for not even a week has taught me more about myself than most of my life has thus far. I've learned about loneliness, feeling out of place, having to fend for myself, and most of all, what really matters in my life, currently.
I planned this trip as an escape from being miserable. I planned it to get away from a culture I seemed self-involved and crappy, a family I deemed oblivious and unaffected, and a life that was mundanely lame.
Of course, in the weeks leading up to this trip, I got my head out of my ass and changed most of those things, but still, the distance has opened my eyes.
I realized that while the culture where I'm from isn't amazing and everyone I know isn't the greatest person who ever lived, I've got a lot of great friends who enjoy my company and appreciate me more than I cared to noticed.
I've found that my family is more important to me than I ever gave them credit. They have all been there to talk and comfort and laugh and cry and even after I've shunned them and cast them off, they still love me for me, mistakes and all.
I also realize that it took me flying halfway around to world to realize that I am not so independent as I let on. I learned here that the people I made believe I didn't need are the people I need most of all. This trip has left me not afraid to ask for help, or to sit down and let someone else take the reins.
While my anxiety has increased greatly because of the stress, the growth I've experienced is giving me new insight on conquering it.
It seems as though this short stint across the map is yet another stepping stone to being okay with myself, inside and out.
I will be home soon, and I feel good. I'm ready to make things better.